Can't We All Just Get Along?

They were the finest talents in the Republican Party, and they smashed each other like bright-red ripe tomatoes. They spent a fortune shredding their own proud red reputations and rosy red careers. Red hearts were broken. Red relationships were shattered.

She was the most qualified candidate in history, but after suffering 30 years of nasty political attack she posted higher negatives than herpes. She deserved the nomination but maybe the Democratic Party deserved a less provocative pathfinder to victory.

I'm Ellabeth and I'm here to help. Tell me what hurts, and I’ll make it better. Tell me your doubts and your fears, and I’ll help you face up to them. Tell me who put that knife in your back, and I’ll hug you until the bleeding stops. I might not be the most famous political-relationship counselor in the world, but at 6.3 tons I’m the biggest.  Write to me. Sending that note is your first step on the long road to healing.

Random Advice They Needed And News You Missed

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Angry GOP Bats Seek Blood

A Bat Inquires: Members of the American Bat Society feel hurt and devalued by Senator Lyndsay Graham’s claim that the Republican Party  —  by embracing Donald Trump —  had “gone batshit crazy.” The ABS, and our immortal founder Vlad The Impaler, have been staunch nocturnal GOP supporters for decades, and Mr. Trump is one of the most like-minded human bloodsuckers we know. (more…)

Bush Should Pay Wholesale for Votes

Jeb B. Ponders: I’m young and hopeful, and I’m planning my next run for president. I needed 1,237 delegate votes to win the nomination, but got only four. I budgeted $121,261 per vote — that seemed reasonable — but spent $37,500,000 per vote instead. Do you think my backers like me enough to spend more money in 2020 than they did in 2016?

Ellabeth replies: Your confidence will be crushed if you keep marketing yourself retail. (more…)

Why Didn’t God Help Ted Cruz Win?

Ted C. Moans: I put all of my heart and soul and most of my credibility into the race for president and I was supposed to be the standard-bearing champion of the Evangelical community. Why did God let the Evangelicals desert me and go over to that womanizing nickname monster? Why did God tell me to run for president if God didn’t want me to win?

Ellabeth Responds: God told hundreds of potential Republican candidates to run. Only eighteen of you took the bait.

Trump Claims Rigging Is Rigged

Jonathan Q. whines: Donald Trump caused a riot at his rally in Pittsburgh yesterday when he screamed that the ceiling rigging that held up the lights, climate control ducts and loudspeakers was rigged against him. “That rigging is trying to kill me,” he shouted at us, “that rigging is rigged to keep me from becoming president. I’ll bet the architect is a Democrat, and the guy who runs the building too. Any second now that rigging is going to fall and crush us all.”

I have been a lifelong Republican voter and donor, but I designed the rigging and believe me I was the first guy out the door. Later that night my car was trashed and my house was burned to the ground. (more…)

Soldier’s War Crime Dilemma Solved

A Soldier Pleads: I’m anxious because Donald Trump says he might order me to kill families and torture prisoners. I served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, was wounded both times, and I’m deploying again in a month. I can deal with my dreams; but I don’t want to commit war crimes like killing wives and little children. What can I do to solve my moral dilemma?

Ellabeth Replies: You have absolutely no need to worry. First, Mr. Trump did not personally sign the Geneva Convention, so he isn’t bound by it.  (more…)

Trump Wants Putin As Attorney General

Beginning to make good on his second-debate vow to send Hillary Clinton to jail because she mishandled her private email server, Donald Trump today announced that if he is elected, he intends to appoint Vladimir Putin as his Attorney General.

“The full force of the Republican Party has been brought to bear against Hillary Clinton for the last 30 years,” Mr. Trump raged at a room full of supporters whose mood convinced even Kellyanne Conway to lock the door behind her, “but now that I can bring the full force of the whole government against Hillary, we might finally bag her.”

“First day in office,” Mr. Trump declared. “Trust me,  Putin will be Attorney General before my working day as President is over, about 3:30 or so. Hillary will be in handcuffs before suppertime. You guys should try out the new Golden Ballot restaurant in the Tower, by the way. Great lamb kebob.”

When reminded that a new Attorney General can’t take office until confirmed by the Senate, Mr. Trump shrugged. “That’s just a legal issue. I’ll let my new Attorney General worry about the details.”

When asked why he thought the dictator of a hostile nuclear power would be a good choice for Attorney General, Trump laughed. “Are you kidding me?” he shrieked. “The guy’s already got all the evidence!”

Trump Demands Impossible Debate Rules

Fearing a threatened boycott of the next debate by Donald Trump, the Presidential Debate Commission announced new rules that it said were the product of a “bi-partisan-bi-polar” negotiation — in the sense that Mr. Trump viciously disagreed with each of his own demands as soon as he made them known.

“It was scary,” the Commission Chair reported. “He would bang the table and order us to adopt a rule, and then as soon as we did, he would run to the other side of the table and bang some more and shout that the rule was being rigged against him.”

“Every rule he suggested we adopted,” the recording secretary muttered, “and then he vetoed every one.”


Giuliani Wild About Trump Tax Strategy

“We all knew Donald Trump is a genius, and this proves it!” Rudy Giuliani shouted at an audience of struck-dumb tax accountants yesterday.

It was the annual meeting of Accountants Avoiding Taxes Anyway Conceivable (AATAC), and Giuliani was a last-second substitute for the original speaker, whom Giuliani pushed off the stage just after grabbing the man’s microphone.

“Donald’s method is so effective that anyone can use it to wipe away his taxes, absolutely anyone!” Guliani gushed. Tears of admiration for Giuliani’s patron surged out of the new hi-flo tear ducts that had been surgically implanted at the Trump Campaign’s request.

“It doesn’t matter how rich they are,” Giuliani assured the catatonic Tax Code professionals. “They can be super-rich, like Donald, or they can be very rich, like his children,” Giuliani enthused, “or they can even be sub-prime rich, like people who can’t afford to hire you.”

“No matter how rich they are, Donald’s method will work,” Giuliani boasted. “Do you know what his secret is? Can you guess how his secret method works?”